A Memoir Taking You on My Journey From Self-harm to Radical Self-love
Who are you?
Elina Nikol J
What is your project?
A Memoir Taking You on My Journey From Self-harm to Radical Self-love
Can we see some photos?
A link to your work:
A preview, snippet, or glimpse of your work in progress:
"Body Weight"
When I was growing up, thin was in.
Fat was used as an insult.
There was no Ashley Graham or Lizzo. Even Britney Spears in 2009—after having two babies—was considered “too fat” by idiot commentators. It seems a women’s body is not her own.
Instead, we must be for others. The male gaze. Sexualized. And whether we’ve meant to or not, we sexualize a young girl’s body by sexualizing the female body.
An awareness of my body started around puberty. My father, with good intentions, informed me I’d soon be unable to walk around the house shirtless. An impression was made. A subconscious twisting of words: I was at the age where I needed to start hiding my body.
As the summer between fourth and fifth grade came to an end, I was aware I was no longer the same size. I felt heavier. It’s not that I was fat. It’s that I felt my body changing and I did not like how. A discomfort with my body formed and I have not been able to shake it.
It shouldn’t be this way. A child should not have to betray them self to an ideal image that is not attainable. But all the pretty girls were thin…
I search my memory and cannot find a moment where someone called me fat. Was it media, observation of the women around me, my peers who taught me to start hating my body? All of the above?
I marveled at the girls in middle school who could easily change in the locker room for P.E. There was no waiting for the bathroom stall to become open. No scurrying about like me. It’s not that I was ashamed of my body. But, I couldn’t understand how they felt comfortable exposing their bodies in a crowd. Of course, no one paid attention to their bodies, but theirs was a freedom I longed to feel.
Then high school: the era of feeling like I was a sausage stuffed inside school uniforms I would swear were too small. All the other girls made it look effortless; it seemed they all were comfortable in their clothes. I was too conscious that I was not.
The size ten colorguard uniform didn’t help. My much thinner fellow guard friend—a size four—would complain about how fat she was in the dressing room. If she was fat, what did that make me?
One day my friend Amber called me skinny. My brain couldn’t comprehend this statement. Didn’t she see my fat?
So, no one called me fat. A friend thought I was skinny.
But I couldn’t shake this bodily discomfort.
Even today, it happens in a blip. One moment I’m not thinking about my body: the next moment I am.
There’s a memory that lingers: I was in the pantry looking for something to snack on. I saw the box of PopTarts and grabbed one. I remember thinking I could never be anorexic because I ate too much. It was a thought used to berate how I wasn’t even disciplined enough to not eat when I was hungry.
Later, after the hurricane and when I was safe in the spare bedroom of my aunt’s house, I’d search how to make myself throw up. The Internet, full of information you dare not ask out loud. Even still, I couldn’t do it. It’s not as easy as it seems. And so I resorted to restricting. If I don’t eat it…
And down the rabbit hole I went.
What will you ship at the end of 6 months?
I hope to ship a clear direction for the memoir. I’ve written the first draft and will need to rethink the outline as it’s shifted and changed throughout the drafting process.